It's amazing the effect that people can have on you.
Today I had been sitting at a café doing some writing when an old woman with a walker approached me at my table and asked me if the chair opposite me was occupied. When I told her it wasn’t, she sat down. Initially, I had no problem sharing my table with this woman. But then she began talking to me. Yup, talking to me like it was the most normal thing in the world, even though I was in the middle of writing.
The woman spoke German without a hint of a dialect, or at least it sounded that way, but she didn’t enunciate well, and I had a hard time understanding her. I guess she was saying something about how there was too much traffic in the neighborhood and that there were always cars rumbling down the street in front of us. One thing I clearly understood was that she had just been denied access to a bathroom in a local grocery store and had returned all the items that had been in her basket in protest.
At first I tried to be polite and listen to what this woman had to say. However, I soon realized that if I kept on being polite, she would never stop. And she didn't. As I was trying to write -- I had only managed to write one sentence since she had taken her seat -- she continued to talk. After repeating the bathroom story for something like a third time, I heard her say this: "It's so expensive in this neighborhood. I swear, I get the feeling sometimes that if I moved out of my apartment and let five years go by, I wouldn't be able to afford my place if I ever tried to come back.”
I had been holding onto the hope, however tenuous, that I was still going to be able to write with her sitting there. However, once she began complaining about the price of rents, I knew that was no longer going to be a possibility.
So, after telling myself “not to force it,” I took out a book that I had brought with me and began to read. Oddly enough, it was only moments after I had begun reading the book, the thing that I thought would calm me down, that it happened -- anxiety.
I got hit with a mild wave of anxiety. The wave was not all that intense, but it was enough to get my heart beating quicker and me perspiring a little more. For a few intense and uncomfortable moments, I was reminded of times when my writing had been hindered by other anxieties that I'd had. Essentially, I was having anxiety about anxiety, and as I sat there in my seat, the world momentarily felt grim.
Thankfully, I've become something of an anxiety expert over the years, so I knew that what I was experiencing would soon pass. But for a bit of time, I was having real trouble taking in the words of my book.
The woman, meanwhile, was still talking. It was a mixture of her sort of talking with herself and sharing some comments with a few people she seemed to know on the street. She attempted to address me directly again, but when she did, I totally and unashamedly ignored her. Over the years, I've noticed this about myself -- namely, if my anxiety gets triggered, I get unfriendly. So I wasn't surprised that I continued to flat out ignore this woman even though I knew doing so was sort of rude.
Eventually, the words of my book, "A Farewell to Arms," started to make more sense, and I started to feel myself relax. Still, I was conscious of the woman and kept wishing she would leave, just leave. After about 10 minutes, she did, and even though I kept my eyes on my book when she got up, like I was lost in deep concentration, I was glad.
Soon after, I noticed that an older couple, a man and a woman, maybe in their 50s, had sat down at the table that was behind me. When I had first arrived at the cafe, two young mothers with their children had been at that table. At some point, though, the mothers had left and this older couple had taken their place. Both the man and the woman were laughing heartily about something, and as they were I made eye contact with the woman. She held my gaze and continued to laugh and smile, and in that moment, I felt relief wash over me.
It's amazing the effect that people can have on you.
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